


Everything is never enough for you, is it?

by NintendoSatoRi



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Yamaguchi Tadashi, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Sad, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: One apology after another, always coming and the feeling normal in his mouth.Because he was always the one at fault, he told himself.A river of apologies that never seemed to end.Until it did.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995355
Comments: 7
Kudos: 118
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Everything is never enough for you, is it?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome back to Haikyuu Angst Week 2020!  
> I just wanted to mention that because of my procrastinating, I ended up writing all the fics either on the day of posting or the day before.  
> (Yes, that means I haven't written the others yet)  
> So I wanted to apologize if the quality of the fics isn't the best.
> 
> Other than that, here are the potential trigger warnings for this fic:  
> \- subtle hints at cheating  
> \- couple fighting  
> \- neglection/ignoring
> 
> I hope you enjoy the fic!
> 
> Tsukkiyama:  
> Day 2, Tier 2 + 3: Insecurity + "Was I ever enough?"

Yamaguchi clenched his fists in the bedsheets, eyes closed tightly as he watched little patterns form in the back of his eyelids.

He always gave him everything, always.  
Every single day he gave him the absolute most he could, and yet he was told to be silent, told that he's annoying.

Yamaguchi let out a sigh, eyes snapping open to stare at the lightly illuminated ceiling before glancing towards the little dinosaur nightlight that had been 'too childish' and pushed away.

He couldn't help but turn his head, pushing his face into his pillow to let out a silent scream, thrashing in his bed.

It was never enough.

Never enough for Tsukishima Kei.

Maybe he called Yamaguchi pathetic that day, not his bullies. That would explain a lot.

Yamaguchi was tired of bending to Tsukishima's every will and order, didn't want to apologize for saying something that wasn't bad.

He was sick of hearing Tsukishima say "Shut up Yamaguchi" and was repulsed by the memory of him cheerily saying "Sorry Tsukki!" as if he had done or said something wrong.

He hadn't.  
He never had.

And yet Tsukishima always seemed annoyed with him.

Yamaguchi let out a quiet groan, a headache growing at all the thinking he had been doing as he turned his head away from the pillow and inhaled deeply. He continued to stare at the little dinosaur light, the way it changed colors before his eyes darkened.  
He paid a lot for that, put so much thought into it, and hoped that Tsukishima would have liked it, considering the taller boy loved dinosaurs but no.

_"Yamaguchi, what the hell is this?" Tsukishima sighed as he stared at the packaging, eyebrows furrowed as he slowly pulled the light out._

_"It's like a nightlight! Or well, you can also use it as a desk light, it comes with a remote that allows you to change the brightness of the light and the color! And it works with both cable and battery so you could technically travel with it if you wanted to!" Yamaguchi explained excitedly, eyes shining as he looked at his best friend, hoping he liked it._

_"It's childish." The other muttered, glancing over his glasses as he toyed with the dinosaur light._

_"Um.. yeah, a little bit. But do yo-"_

_"If you knew that, then why would you buy it for me?" Tsukishima interrupted, voice slightly annoyed and yet so very monotone as he looked at the freckled boy, whose eyes were widened in shock._

_"I-" Yamaguchi swallowed, all of his energy suddenly draining out of him as he stared at the blond, who was looking at him with an annoyed gaze.  
"I thought you might have liked it because you like dinosaurs and I know you already have a desk light but I thought it was cute and I really hoped that you might even just put it up for deco-"_

_"Shut up Yamaguchi." Tsukishima silenced the other, pushing the repackaged light back into the other's hands.  
"Keep it. I don't want it."_

_"S-Sorry Tsukki.." He could feel his cheeks burning in embarrassment, eyes cast downwards to stop the flow of tears that was bound to come as he uttered those words.  
"I- I really thought you would have li-" He stopped, realizing that Tsukishima wasn't paying attention to him anymore.  
Instead, the blond had his headphones covering his ears, a smile adorning his face as he stared at his phone._

_Yamaguchi felt an ache in his chest. He didn't even have to look to know what caused Tsukishima to smile._

_And so, gripping the box with the light in it tight enough for his knuckles to whiten, he got up from the floor he had been sitting on, throwing away the wrapping into Tsukishima's garbage can._

_"Hey Tsukki, I think I'll go ho-.." He paused, knowing that Tsukishima wouldn't hear him. Yamaguchi grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil from the other's desk, aware of the fact that Tsukishima would be mad if he just left or interrupted him while he was talking to a certain middle blocker._

_' Hey Tsukki, I went home cause I'm tired. Sleep well okay! And I'll see you tomorrow so we can walk to school together :)'_

_He left the house quietly._

Yamaguchi threw his blanket off in frustration. Even then he apologized for absolutely nothing wrong. He only wanted Tsukishima to like the present.

He never should have begun with the apologies.

He always took Yamaguchi for granted, as though he'd stay with him forever without a single complaint.

And Yamaguchi never thought that he would ever feel this way.

But now.. with the thoughts clearing everything else in his head and the frustration growing, he wasn't sure what to do.

\--

"Good morning Tsukki!" His cheerful voice made the taller glance at him, pausing his music temporarily as he kept walking.

"I thought we were walking to school together but you didn't wait for me!" Yamaguchi still smiled, panting softly as he finally slowed to a walk beside the blond as he looked at him.

It was as though the thoughts had never been there at all, the previous night completely forgotten in Yamaguchi's mind as he kept himself close to his friend.

The friend that saved him from his bullies all those years ago.  
The friend who now acts uncaring towards him.

Yamaguchi subconsciously clenched a fist, gaze already dropping from the blond's face as he accepted the fact that he wouldn't be getting a response.  
Again.

As they arrived at school, Tsukishima finally took off his headphones and Yamaguchi opened his mouth to say something, only to be shut down again by his teammates disturbing their moment of silence.

Ah.

Not this time then.

Yamaguchi felt as though he was in a daze, watching them all play on the volleyball court while he stood on the sidelines. They were doing a three on three.  
He remembered his voice cheering whenever Tsukishima successfully blocked a spike from Tanaka or a freak quick by Kageyama and Hinata. Always making his voice be heard so Tsukishima knew he was doing well.

He gripped his t-shirt lightly, biting the inside of his cheek. He always does so much for Tsukishima, how was it that so little was being reciprocated?  
The thoughts filled his mind again, Yamaguchi shutting his eyes tightly as though that would stop them from infiltrating his mind and echoing inside of his head.

It's fine, it's fine. He was probably doing something wrong anyway, why else would Tsukishima always be so annoyed with him?

Pushing back his gut feeling, Yamaguchi slowly let go of the hem of his t-shirt.  
It must have been some kind of mistake he made for Tsukishima to feel this way. A few more apologies and his best friend will love him again, just like at the start of their relationship...  
When everything felt like roses and butterflies, or when he could hug on to the other without a complaint or an irritated scoff in return.

\--

Another apology, another cold shoulder that was given. Yamaguchi felt his bottom lip twitch slightly, looking at his boyfriend and closing his eyes. If he did that then maybe he could imagine the better times. Tsukishima kissing his forehead, smiling bashfully as they whispered goodnight to each other because Yamaguchi had decided to stay over at his place again.  
Those were such simple things that he missed. He didn't have to apologize for kissing his boyfriend when the blond didn't specifically ask him to.  
Like now.

Yamaguchi had kissed Tsukishima unexpectantly; he had been in a good mood and thought he may as well sweeten up the other's day. All he had been doing that day was spending time on his phone anyway.

All he got was an annoyed stare and then hands that pushed him away from the blond's body.  
The apology had been a mere whisper.

A quiet "Sorry Tsukki."

Because what else could Yamaguchi have said, when Tsukishima didn't care about what he had to say anyway?

Each 'sorry' felt like a sharp needle tearing through his skin, amplified the pain of the previous apology.  
Every silence that followed after felt like a slap to his face.

He was doing what was right, wasn't he? He was, right?  
So why wasn't Tsukishima going back to loving him the way he used to? Way back at the beginning of their first year, when they spent every night talking on their phone until one of them fell asleep, when they would spend their weekends together in the city, eating snacks and playing in the arcade, when they'd show up randomly at the doorstep of the other's house, holding a cake in their hands or a small gift because they just adored each other so much, when they'd lay in Tsukishima's bed together, reading a book about dinosaurs and then stare up at the sky filled with stars and the moon. They would discuss if the stars were made of dead dinosaurs, laugh, and go to bed.

Yamaguchi felt a sharp pain in his chest. It hurt to remember those things, especially when a mere month after their enrollment to Karasuno High, Tsukishima was already acting funny.  
And then in July, when they had that training camp, the blond only distanced himself further.

He made Yamaguchi apologize for things he himself wasn't even sure of.

And he was so tired.  
So tired of feeling as though he was the one at fault, so tired of thinking he was in the wrong, so tired of thinking he had to be the one to make it better. He was so tired.

So when one day, when Tsukishima gave the other a cold shoulder and told him to shut up, Yamaguchi felt his resolve snap.

"... No."

When Tsukishima turned to look at him, Yamaguchi clenched his fists and finally looked up, instead of keeping his eyes turned to the ground.  
"I'm tired of this, Tsukishima."

It was then, that the blond felt that something was wrong. After all, Yamaguchi never called him Tsukishima, always opting for Tsukki.  
But he couldn't seem to bother.

When no response came, Yamaguchi grabbed his hair, tugging at it.  
"And this is exactly what I'm tired of! You, never ever caring about anything I have to say. Never do you listen to me, never do you even care about me. I feel like you just keep me around not because you actually love me but because you feel bad for me. Is that it? You feel bad for me, you always have? Of course, you would feel bad for a kid who started crying on a playground, huh."

Tsukishima's eyebrows furrowed at that.  
But still, no words came from his mouth.

Yamaguchi made a frustrated noise, looking at him.  
"And every time you make me apologize for the smallest things, it feels like I'm being stabbed repeatedly. It hurts so bad Tsukishima. Don't you ever think about me? How I could feel when saying sorry for the stupidest of things? I apologized to you because of a _lamp_. Do you understand how pathetic that sounds? How stupid it makes me feel?"

The other only stared back, unsure of what to say to Yamaguchi. He felt the guilt slowly crawl up his back, but the words couldn't seem to slip past his lips.

Yamaguchi felt more of his pent up emotions taking over, the silence of Tsukishima's room too loud in his ears. His breathing picked up.  
"You've distanced yourself from me too. You ignore me on a day to day basis, you spend more time talking to Kuroo-san because of your blocking. It's almost as if you loved him instead of me."  
He missed the way the blond's eyes widened slightly, missed the way he gulped, and twisted in his seat.  
"You literally don't care anymore. And if you do, then it seems like you don't. Where are our fun nights where we could just laugh and smile at each other?"

Before Tsukishima could say a word, Yamaguchi spoke, voice trembling and tears forming. Whatever he had with the blond wasn't healthy for him, it hurt him. And whatever they had at first was long gone now.  
"I can't do this anymore Tsukki. I really can't. Whatever we had obviously wasn't the right thing for you. And I really thought I would've been the one to make you happy but I guess that isn't the case either. How stupid of me to think such a thing, we're only sixteen! I should've known better than to actually get into a relationship." The green-haired took a deep breath, not noticing how Tsukishima suddenly had all of his focus on him, not noticing the mouth open to speak.

Then again, what did he have to say?

"I gave you my everything, Tsukishima. But I guess everything is never enough for you, is it? I'm not doing this anymore." Yamaguchi said, voice firm and strong, finally taking his leave. He didn't want to hear or see the other right now.

And as Yamaguchi made his way out of Tsukishima's room, the mentioned could only watch, eyes glazed over and hand outstretched as though he wanted to grab him.

"I'm sorry."  
His whisper was faint, as though he had something else on his tongue that couldn't be said out loud.

But an apology like this couldn't replace the thousands that were given by the green-haired boy with soft freckles.  
After all, it was just another apology.

Just another sorry.


End file.
